Can’t I just be me?

This couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time. Today is one of those days when I’m bugged with the predictability and mundaneness of my life beyond measure. Is this a time to seriously reconsider why I did the things I did and question all my life decisions? I speculate.

Whilst I’ve been lauded many times for my ‘courage’ to trade my career for a domestic life for the sake of my child, few can understand the stab my confidence and attitude has taken over time for being in a virtual house arrest when people my age are soaring personally and professionally.

There are times when I long for talking, or simply being in the company of an adult. I want to discuss random things that make me rack the grey cells of my brain. True, there’s A, but as soon as he’s home he becomes the kids’ property. By bedtime he’s tired and I’m spent by running around and catering to the kids all day.

I’ve no idea when and where the adventurous, carefree and happy Varsh got transformed into this perennially angry and tired, irritable and grumpy one. The worst part is when my frustration occasionally filters down to my kids and makes me feel terribly guilty for letting all this even touch their innocent lives.

I miss Mom. I sometimes miss my friends who’ve gotten too busy with their own lives. I miss A before he became a father. I miss the things that were mine and which I gave away for what I have today. I love my kids to death, but I wish I wasn’t a mother the whole time. Can’t I just be Varsh again?

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18 thoughts on “Can’t I just be me?

  1. This is good! It makes me think what my 2nd mother has felt or possibly gone through when my two baby brothers came along and she became an at-home mom and a homeschool teacher. It also makes me think about what I will have to do as a father (waiting for the arrival of my son)!

    Good write-up!

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    1. Motherhood changes everything for a woman. I’m sure she went through the same roller coaster life like me. Becoming a father will be an unbelievably glorious moment for yo. Wish you all the luck for it.
      Thanks for dropping by and commenting. ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Missing the past isn’t it? We all go through these spells at some point or the other. But some time in the future when the present changes we’re gonna wish to come back to this time too. Savour what we have now. 🙂

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  3. It’s tough. I won’t deny it and there are days when you have to look really hard to find things to be happy about. Our choices are going to trouble us no matter what. But the good part? We’re human. We feel and we love and live and hate. It’s normal. It’s perfectly fine to be that way too. Don’t beat yourself up. Let this feeling pass through you and let it happen. Hugs and lots of empathy, a fellow mom.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does pass eventually, but as long as it lasts it kills you. Nothing seems right. 😦
      Thanks for your kind words Shailaja. I really need those hugs and empathy right now. ☺

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You know how not to let it kill you? You make time for yourself. Do something you love. For you. Be a little selfish. Read a book, watch a TV show, write, blog, dance, listen to music because you need to be happy. After that things don’t seem as bad. If you can, take a day off and go around the city. Trust me. You’ll love it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I do a little bit of everything you said, but the constant disturbances sort of kill the joy. I haven’t blogged so regularly in a long time and it is exhilarating.
        Going around the city sounds like a good plan. I must do that. Visit a museum, have roadside food, go to a bookstore…wow..feels better thinking about it. ☺

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree with Shailaja, let it pass. I understand what it feels like, when I took a year and half break after my daughter was born. I was depressed most times. Going back to work not only made me a happier mother it also brought a sense of gratitude and appreciation for all mothers. Parenting is tough. It’s possibly the most exhausting thing one can do, but it’ll also be the most rewarding. Big hugs !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been on a break for almost 8 yeas now. I get rattled thinking if I even have it in me to go back to work now. I work from home, but it again restricts your interactions.
      Thank you so much, fellow Mom. Big Hugs! ☺

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    1. It is a phase and not necessarily everyone goes through it. The challenges are different. I’m glad you can understand it, and genuinely hope your ride is as smooth as can be. Thanks for your comment Shefali. ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You know the best part of being an anonymous person as you are here is that you get to atleast express your thoughts freely without much worries as you have beautifully done here. A couple of months back i wrote a post expressing my anguish freely on a matter but had to delete it the very next day :).
    Sometimes how we wish there would be a third person who could impartially listen to both sides of the story and give a fair assessment but that option is not there when even your close relatives may be prone to take sides and worse some may even relish your misery!!.
    All those talks of “communication is the key” and all those mumbo jumbo (which even i dish out to others on quora as so called relationship expert) fall flat when real situation hits you and you feel so helpless so stupid to to be able to find a reasonable solution..
    In such situation and after much arguments and counter arguments with my own self i “advise” myself to just not do anything that worsens the situation if not improves it and yes trying to find humour in mundane situation may help.
    So here you may want to be like your high flying friends while the reality may be that they may be jealous of you for being able to spend time with the ones who matter in life 🙂
    And yes if you choose to accept invitation to visit our home with your family we can discuss it in detail over tea and vadapaw 🙂 :).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow…such a lovely and detailed comment! How sweet of you to explain everything to me Parijat. ☺

      I write anonymously, though many people who know me read my blog.
      Thankfully, they understand me and don’t judge me for what I write.

      Sometimes we know we’re being silly, but who said that we have to be matured about everything? We’re entitled to feel what we want to, right? People do tell me I’m in an enviable place, but then the grass is always greener on the other side.

      Hmm, tea and vadapaw seems like a good idea. We might plan sometime.

      Liked by 1 person

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