Kuch pal saath saath

Neend mein nahi thi aur na jaagi hi thi main
Na jaane thi kahan pe, kyun gum thi kahin main
Ehsaas ne tere aise mujhko ghayal kar diya
Ki madhosh bhi thi aur kuch behosh thi main.

Aankhon ne har taraf tumhe dhundna chaha
Nazar na aaye tum to kuch naaraaz thi main
Dil mein shor hua kuch phir dhadkanon ka aise
Ki baatein thi tumhari, bas awaz thi main.

Wo hawa ka jhonka jo mujhe chhu gaya tha
Khushboo tumhari usme dhundti rahi main
Baahon mein khudko maine le liya phir aise
Ki tum mein milkar jaise ek ho gayi main.


Half of a Milestone year ☺

“When you want something all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
~ Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist.

I had not wanted anything so fervently in my life before this, hence the conspiratory powers of the universe never got tested in my case. I read this and shrugged it off as just-another-quote until I had to bow down to God and the universe 6 months back for finally conspiring to bless me with one of the two most priceless  treasures of my life. My baby…the other half of my heart…my darling… Angel. ☺

I had always wanted a daughter; for no particular reason. I am a woman and proud to be one. Guess that made me feel responsible to bring another woman in this world who I could love like I was loved, pamper more than I was, spoil silly with gifts and attention and also someone I could raise to be an independent and responsible lady who (unlike me) wouldn’t trade her dreams for anything else in life.

Big plans, I know, and they can wait as right now it is Angel’s million dollar smile, her attention-seeking cute noises, her copycat behaviour, her complaining shrieks and her singing-along-when-anyone-sings act that give all my motherly hormones a fresh kick. What she cannot speak she conveys beautifully through expressions and gestures. Every moment she makes her presence felt.

Somewhere between her adorable antics comes a full blown tantrum that makes me not want to foresee what’s in store for me when she grows up! 😐 The little lady has strict rules as to when she can be touched or disturbed and when you better take yourself elsewhere. Any effort of me trying to doll her up goes down the drain as she will pull off anything that comes in her way almost instantly. Will she be a tomboy? I wonder.

However, the most enjoyable part of her childhood for me is undoubtedly the brother-sister camaraderie. With the six years between them it seems like a whole generation has gone. Angel looks visibly happy and vies for his attention whenever he comes home after school or play, while A Jr who earlier treated her like a toy now takes her as an individual. I almost choke when he picks her up rather roughly but the girl’s unaffected and smiles away.

I frown upon people who’ve started advising me to start saving for her (daughter you see!) or who remind me that someday she will leave me and go. Don’t we need to save for A Jr’s education too? Who knows if he will live with us when he grows up or goes away for work? My job is only to try and bring up two sorted and bright individuals; A Jr and Angel. They will know and decide what to do with their lives. Why do others need to make it their concern?

Coming back to Angel, the post cannot be complete without the cliched ‘ I cannot believe she’s already 6 months old’ line. Isn’t it? 😀 Yes. It is unbelievable. And I will repeat myself when she goes to school, when she graduates, when she gets her first paycheck, when she …. well.

I’m getting carried away here, but who cares? Being a mother the second time over is just as special as the first time. I might be more informed and prepared now but moments cannot be predicted, right? My dangerous duo might be a handful, but they are my life.

As we all know, mothers cannot stop gushing about their babies. Manufacturing defect. 😜

Mistaken Friends or Mistakenly Friends?

Recently I reconnected with one of my oldest friends. Although we were poles apart, we spent a better part of our lives being best friends and have the fondest memories of our childhood. We do regret depriving ourselves of this special bond owing to a silly misunderstanding created between us by another friend of ours and have decided to talk it out with each other from now on, whatever the matter is. All’s well that ends well. Right?

How many times does something like this happen though? How often do we give ourselves as well as someone else another chance? Is ‘forgive and forget’ really as simple and easy as it sounds?

Ironically, what I wrote in the first paragraph was a happy exception. I’m someone who cannot easily forgive and can never forget. I have an elephant’s memory when it comes to defining moments. Anything that has left a lasting effect on my mind and heart regardless of how happy, sad, embarrassing, guilty, hurtful etc. it was stays with me forever.

Teenage came to me with a wide set of problems, which I now know is very common. I was always easy to get along with but had very few friends. I had serious trouble blending in with a new crowd and almost always made myself look and feel like a geek. This, despite the fact that I was good at academics, accomodating and non-fussy. I craved for approval from wrong people and for the wrong reasons. Friendships were fickle, non-lasting and non-commital.

During and after graduation I came into my own and realised that our life is ours and no one else’s business. It was alright to fall, make mistakes and feel like a loser as long as I knew how to pick myself up and make a fresh start. The friends I made during that time are precious and superbly supportive. I can relate with them and occasionally rely on them.

So who exactly are the people I’m not forgiving then? Let’s say that I met one such person at every stage in my life. I try and refrain from being anywhere around them. I do talk to them but somewhere the hurt is still there. More so because I was purposely cornered after being called a ‘friend’. My weaknesses were targeted, even highlighted with amazing expertise while the efforts I put in to still be the bigger person went waste.

Occasionally one such person finds me from somewhere and tries to behave like we are cut out from the same cloth and it’s a pity that we aren’t woven together like before. Wonder how can anyone even have the nerve to feign such hollow relevance.

I know holding back isn’t healthy. I need to get a closure and move on, and I believe I have, in a way. I have learnt the art of ignorance and am more openly expressive now. I’m not responsible for feeding someone’s guilt and ego. I’m sorted.

Jo badal gaya

Mila na kahin pe mujhe aks mera,
Khuli aur band aankhon mein dhunda bhi maine.
Nazar aaya jo, shaks koi alag tha,
Jise jaane kyun nahi pehchana maine.

Hasi usme meri, thi meri hi baatein,
Par khwab na the mere, na dil bhi mera tha.
Befikri mein bitaye wo pal the mere se,
Par suljha de meri uljhan, na kahin wo sira tha.

Zindagi har pal itni badalti rahi ki,
Mehsoos hote hi lamha jaata raha.
Mutthi mein na the sapne, na hi waade the kal ke,
Bas saath waqt ke mujhme hi kuch badalta raha.