Like they say too many cooks spoil the broth, too many thoughts and distractions totally mess up your thinking process. Attribute it to a jam-packed schedule that does not allow me to find a minute for myself in a day, a maid who’s been absconding for over a month now and who’s replacement is proving an arduous task, the remorse that my books aren’t getting read as frequently and intensely as required, and most importantly A Jr’s transition from a playschool to a big school which is playing havoc with his mind and habits, I’m simply not able to focus on anything.
I know things always need some time and effort for getting used to, but with too much changing too fast there’s precious little in my capacity and control. Sometimes I deeply regret not having anyone near me who could make it a little easy to bear all this or someone who could just share a tiny part of all these responsibilities. There are errands that I hope A could help me with but the thought of having to mend what he’s surely going to spoil makes me cringe. May be he does it intentionally to make me make him beg out. I don’t know.
I can’t blame anyone for the constant discomfort I feel inside me. A deserves credit for being a very accommodating and indulging husband over the least few days. He’s taken me out on wonderful dates, treated me at restaurants with lovely ambience and awesome food and shopped for me even when I didn’t ask for it. What is it then that’s making me cower and go into semi-hiatus, I can’t decide.
I got this book which is a collection of short stories by Premchand called ‘प्रेमचंद की सर्वश्रेष्ठ कहानियां’. There was a story in it where two women are talking about how women perceive freedom. They say that women try to show that they feel liberated by dressing and acting like men but deep down this is just a rebellious outburst, not a feeling of freedom. Freedom comes from the confidence of being free and the courage to make your own decisions. This isn’t what the story was about, but it sure set my mind thinking.
Women like me who don’t flinch while making sacrifices for their families and putting others above them are mostly a confused lot. We want to study and have a successful career but we also don’t want to miss the subtle things in life. Education has liberated us but we’re still not free from the ropes of love that bind and obligate us. This perplexity isn’t good for anyone and right now that anyone is me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like what I’m doing, just that I’m not able to find happiness in it.
Have written a lot but I’m not sure what I’ve written. Haven’t read it myself. My mind isn’t thinking straight today and I would like to clarify that this post shouldn’t be taken literally.